Focus on one task at a time
November 20th, 2009 § 4 Comments
Let’s face it, when you have something important to do that you don’t want to do, even doing your friends’ homework seems appealing (and urgent) in some sort of weird way. This is why we can be ‘working’ 8 hours a day and only get results for what we could have done in less than half of the time. Because of this, I encourage you to use a ‘focused-work’ system.
When you have a task at hand, and you know you have to do it eventually, just set out 25-30 minute intervals to work on it uninterrupted. You heard me, uninterrupted. If someone calls you, and you know it’s not urgent, let the phone call go to voicemail and return the call after your 30 minutes focused work session is over. No checking e-mails, text messages, facebook, instant messengers, blogs, etc. None of that. You are just going to work for 25-3o minutes purely on your task at hand, and then you will reward yourself with a 5 minutes break.
During your 5 minutes break go ahead and return that phone call, or check your e-mail/facebook/etc. Then look forward to your next 25-30 minutes focused work session and your eventual 5-minutes break.
To put this into practice all you need is a timer. This timer will preferably not be your cellphone. Once you have your timer this is what you can do –
- Make a list of the tasks you need to work on.
- Make boxes to its side, one box for each 25-30 minutes time period you will need to finish the task.
- Now, every time you work on the task for 25-30 minutes uninterrupted make a checkmark on the box — if you allowed yourself to get distracted, instead of a checkmark make an X or other symbol.
This system will allow you to see how often you can actually finish a focused work period, and at the end of the task you can also get a good estimate of how long you ACTUALLY worked on a project. You’ll be surprised when you realize that those 10 hours papers could actually be finished in 5 hours.
At the end of the day, it comes down to your own work style. I would rather work very efficiently 5 hours and then go enjoy 5 hours getting a good dinner, some tea, and relaxing, rather than spending 10 hours working inefficiently just because of the instant gratification of allowing myself to give in to distractions.
—
On a separate note, I just accepted a job offer from Accenture as an Analyst, so I will be working there shortly after graduation next June 2010. I’m thrilled about this opportunity! 
Success
November 8th, 2009 § 2 Comments
As a kid, I had a computer with a password I won’t forget, “success”. I remember typing it every time I was going to do work, or just browse the internet. Now, almost 10 years after I first typed this password, here I am contemplating the meaning of the word.
This year has been one of much reflection for me, and it will continue to be so. I started the academic year back in September, and as a graduating senior it has been quite an interesting year. The job hunting process has been quite humbling, I submitted my resumé to 14 positions in 8 different companies and got back 2 interview offers. Those two interview offers resulted in a total of eight interviews, 2 rounds of 2 interviews with one company and 3 rounds with a total of 4 interviewers in the other. After all these interviews, it was up to them to decide if they would extend a job offer.
This past week I got my first response, it was a voicemail since I couldn’t pick up my phone during class, and there it went “…we just made our final decisions and unfortunately have decided to not continue along with you in this process.”
So there was a rejection, so close to the goal. At first I was just numb, didn’t quite have a reaction. Then it started to sink in and I realized just how difficult it was to accept defeat, yet at the same time I could only think of the thousands of people who have lost their jobs after having been working for many years, those who already have families that depend on them…
At the personal level, I am happy. Looking back to the process I’ve gone through, it was quite an achievement to make it to the final round with both of the companies who offered me an interview, so I take some comfort in that. Although it is still discouraging to hear that I was not considered best fit for the job, I eventually swallowed my pride. There are many very qualified applicants out there, and I am sure that the people who got the job offer were very well fit for the position.
I am now waiting to hear back from my other final round interview, and getting ready to apply to other job opportunities. I think this process of applying to jobs is a very interesting one, you keep promoting yourself over and over to people, and then just hope that you can convince the right people to allow you to start a career with them, and invest some money on you.
At the end of the day, however, how do you define success is a very personal matter, and so is failure. So far in the game, I don’t feel like I have failed, but I am still debating if I can call my achievements so far ‘success’. I am still stuck in the way of thinking that getting that job offer is the measure of my success during this process, but that doesn’t quite fit with my views since it always requires just a tad of luck to also get the job.
At night, when the world goes to sleep and I lie awake on my bed taking a look at my thoughts as they flow through my mind I realize… I succeed every day one way or the other. The little challenges that each day bring make me a stronger person, a more educated one and someone even more ready to face the difficulties that life presents us. At the same time, I become someone who can appreciate the blessings I receive, and that is something that matters more to me than anything else. So… am I succeeding? I certainly think so, every single day.
My "Culture Shock" returning from Japan
September 20th, 2009 § 8 Comments
A month ago, August 21st, I was scheduled to return to Boston. The morning light started peaking through my window as I was finishing getting ready to leave. I stayed up the night before to adjust to the difference in time zone between Japan and Boston (13 hours). Once ready, I walked with my suitcase out of my apartment, closed the door behind me for the last time this summer, and before dropping my keys inside the mailbox, I thought twice about what I was about to do. Leaving those keys inside that mailbox meant I would no longer have a room to sleep in in Japan. I was, after all, leaving this place.
I finally left the keys in there, and attempted to open the door right after. I was locked out, I no longer had an apartment in Japan. I walked to the train station taking a last look at the house of the ‘grandma’ who greeted me every morning as I walked to the station, I walked past the convenience store I had visited almost every day for the past 3 months, and finally I walked past Mister Donuts and Juso Ramen, places I adored by then. I bought my train ticket to go to the Osaka Airport, and with that I was on my way home.
I got to Osaka Airport early, over 2 hours early. I just walked around and thought about what life was going to be like going back to America. I could not really imagine it, it was too difficult to think about having a normal life after having spent such a long time in Japan.
I finally checked-in, and after hearing many times remarks from the airport employees such as “Please wait just a little bit” and then “I’m so sorry for the delay, here is your ticket,” I was finally on my way home. I switched planes in Narita, and then finally landed in Chicago.
Once in Chicago I go through immigration, and I hear the immigration employee say “I need to see your passport.” I smile shyly and give him my passport, and stand still while waiting for him to ask questions or give me back my passport. Next thing I know, he half-throws my passport back at me while saying, “Welcome Home.”
That was when I first felt a culture shock… “why was he so careless with my passport?” Having gotten used to people handling my documents, or whatever it was with much care, I couldn’t help it but feel upset at his rude behavior. I kept walking, starting to feel the sadness of being back at a place where people can be so careless when treating others. I walked, and walked, and I did my best to keep a smile on my face. I go to do a check-in to my new flight, from Chicago to Boston, and first thing that happens when I get there is that I am notified that my flight was canceled.
Another culture shock… what do you mean my flight got canceled? You mean, things here are not organized and the transportation system is not reliable? What do you mean we are not following a schedule down to the minute, and we are not always on time?
Not only that, this was the explanation I got:
“Your flight got canceled, I don’t know why. I’ll put you in a flight at 2pm (original flight was supposed to depart before 11am.)”
“2pm?”
“Yeah… don’t complain other people didn’t get flights.”
And there I was, trying to get used to this service again. Instead of the employee apologizing to me profusely because of the company’s unreliability, I was sharply told to pretty much shut up and not complain. At this point I started wondering how would a Japanese person feel in my position if they were here to visit… I, who had been living here for so long, was now upset and in disbelief after having only spent 3 months in Japan. I felt less welcome in America than I had felt in Japan.
I look down to avoid expressing whatever combination of feelings I was feeling, and I kept going towards the security check. There, standing on the line, someone walks past me and hits me with some luggage and I jump and say, “Sumimasen” which means excuse me in Japanese. I said it by instinct and then felt a bit ashamed when I realized I had just spoken Japanese in Chicago to an American, but my shame quickly dissipated as I turned even more upset when I realize that the person who had just hit me with their luggage had just kept walking, not even looking back to say sorry.
I just stood there trying not to listen to the people around me complaining about things out loud, making faces and radiating their anger towards everyone else. I was, at this point, extremely sad to be back. I felt the urge to just go and buy a return flight to Japan, get on a plane, and not look back. What was I doing back here? Why would I chose to be back in a place in which being happy was so much more difficult?
I kept going with my life as normal, and once in the gate I went to eat lunch at Chilli’s. I order an ‘American lunch’, a burger with fries. I ate half of my meal and got nauseous because of the amounts of grease I had just ingested. There was yet another shock for me… my body, after 3 months eating Japanese food, and lots of it, couldn’t tolerate the massive amounts of greasy food that regular portions in America have.
I go and sit in a corner, waiting for my flight while I see that over 40 people are waiting there hoping to even get assigned to a flight to Boston that day. Their flight had been canceled and they now had no other option but just wait and see…
I finally made it to Boston, called my friends and started cheering up. I was soon going to see my friends, that would make the transition back smoother.
I had dinner with nice friends, and with that finally got happier to be back. Not everyone here is rude, of course, and being among my friends really got me excited about what was to come this year. Senior year in college, job-hunting, all these things I was now looking forward to.
I, at last, made it home, and there, in the comfort of a house with no rude people around, I started embracing being back in America. I got online, announced on Facebook my arrival, and soon after went to bed. My life in Japan soon started to seem more like a long dream that I would think about and talk about, and up until now it just seems like a very surreal experience. I am happy back in America, but not going back to Japan doesn’t seem like an option to me. My days in Osaka, and my visit to Tokyo, are now among the most precious memories I have. I can’t wait to go back and visit again the old friends I was able to see again, and the new friends I was lucky enough to make. I am grateful for all the experiences I had, and I can definitely say that this was the best summer I have had.
Omar
My Japan Experience -
August 28th, 2009 § 8 Comments
Having arrived to America exactly one week ago, I feel quite settled now, but there is definitely a lot I have to say about my summer experience in Japan.
My flight was scheduled to depart the Osaka Itami Airport at 8am Friday morning. In preparation for this I started meeting with my friends to enjoy a last meal together for the summer. The week before my departure I had dinner with Zhang-San, a pleasant dinner in which we discussed many great things about our lives, the future, entrepreneurship, etc. I was very happy and excited, yet sad simultaneously. As I listened to Zhang-San talking about his plans and experiences, and I responded positively, amazed by all the great things we talked about and planned, I had a feeling of helplessness. I wanted to stay in this place, yet I had to return. I also wanted to be back in America with my friends, I missed them terribly.
I did not say “Goodbye” at the end, but rather “Mata ne!”, “we’ll meet again!” I returned home that Sunday night with a lot of mixed emotions about leaving Japan. This would be something that would continue to intensify as the week approached an end.
That Friday I met with Meru-San for the last time this summer. It was then that it started to hit me, there would not be another epic adventure to visit some random place in Japan anytime soon. There would be no more jumping pictures in front of interesting buildings. There would be no more waking up at 6am to meet with other yawning friends excited to go and run, jump, walk, eat all around Japan for the weekend and then try to recover during the week without falling asleep at work. Those days were coming to an end for the summer, and I was to miss them.
Saturday I visited my friend Masato-San in Tokyo. I can’t begin to describe how it felt to spend these two days with him. I was able to experience a Japanese “riot”, or rather people yelling on the streets at each other because of a controversy over the Yasukuni Shrine. As everything in Japan, it was shocking for me to see the way people behaved and the conflict developed. It was the most peaceful encounter I could have imagined.
That weekend I was also able to meet a few great people in Tokyo, and I realized that yes, there are very nice people all around Japan. Masato-San and I joined a few of his friends for dinner, and it was very comforting to talk to them. They were all so nice and friendly; I still can’t get over it. So much niceness!
Although we joined Masato-San’s friends during their dinner, we didn’t dine with them, but rather went to have sushi at a place nearby — real sushi. And my god that was delicious. I had many different kinds of sushi, and also tempura, and it was just fantastic. After sushi we walked around Ebisu, which is where Masato-San lives — it’s a very nice area.
I stayed over at his place, and the next day we talked and stayed at his apartment until it was time for me to go meet Tamaki-San, with whom I spent a lovely afternoon. After walking around and having a nice time with Tamaki-San, I returned to Osaka in the Shinkansen, and with this I finally got in the mindset of departing Japan… it was my last week in Osaka for the summer.
My last week went by real fast. Tuesday I met with Koji-San, a very special and smart kid whom I’m looking forward to meeting with again and working with in the future. He really treated me and Meru-San as friends and made us feel very welcome in Japan. We met on multiple occasions to get lunch and dinner; traveled together a few times during the weekends, and always had a great time. And by god we ate so many parfaits, which probably kept me from losing more weight than I did. Koji-San really made my Japan experience unforgettable and unique. His humble and energetic spirit struck me, and I definitely learned a lot just by spending time with him and Meru-San. Oh we did make a very nice & dynamic trio.
After my Tuesday meeting with Koji-San, Wednesday was my last day in lab. My labmates organized a farewell party for me and the PI (Principal Investigator) came over for a while and talked to me. I had a chance to talk to my labmates and say goodbye to many people, and they gave me yet another gift. Just a week before, my birthday, my labmates had given me multiple gifts and had organized for me a small party. I was surprised that they took the time and energy to organize yet another one of these just for me. I was also invited to go out and drink, which was a very nice gesture from them. About 10 people joined in for drinking that night, and I was very grateful for everything…
I went back home, finished packing, and the next day simply returned a few things, cleaned up my apartment, and then finally departed Japan… On my way to the airport I was thrilled and saddened. I was looking forward to meeting my old-friends, but I couldn’t help feeling sad leaving such a magnificent place, full of wonderful people.
As I heard the train announcement in Japanese… “Next is Osaka Airport…” all the images about my summer experiences were flashing through my mind. I relived the moment when I first landed in Japan, going through immigration and trying to put my 2 years of Japanese education into good use. Arriving at Osaka for the first time, seeing my apartment, my first experience in an internet café, the ramen shop near my apartment in which I would have many bowls of ramen throughout the summer. I remembered meeting with Meru-San, Kim-San, Green-San, Nix-San, Lee-San, etc, for the first time. Also making new friends, Koji-San and Naoki-San, Zhang-San and Tamaki-San, my labmates, and many more.
I stumbled as I got off the train, and with a tear in my eye I turned around and said to Japan, mata ne~ Okay, I may be exaggerating, I did not have a tear in my eye, but I sure felt like I did.
(There is another post coming soon, cause this doesn’t even start to express how I felt coming back to America, and this is already long enough for now…)
What are we connected to?
August 16th, 2009 § 1 Comment
A bit over a year ago a two friends and I got together to make a short video about an issue we are now facing in society. In an era in which we are ‘connected’ all the time through the internet, celphones, media, etc. it is easier than ever to lose perspective of the beautiful things that surround us. Please watch and enjoy — you can tell we had fun while making this video!
Video description: This film explores the paradox of technology in modern life – that it enables connectivity while fostering isolation.
Leading to a Happier Life Through Gratitude
August 14th, 2009 § 7 Comments
Many of my friends wonder how I can stay upbeat and happy for what seems like… all the time. How can I be so terribly optimistic, and how do I keep my thoughts on the lighter side.
Truth is, I wasn’t always like this, and even now I have my emotional times. There are many things I’ve learned, and many others I still need to learn, but I can thruthfully say that my life has changed for the better in the past few years.
I attended boarding school during my high school years (Fall 2003 – Spring 2006) and I went through both good and very challenging times. Although you may think — what can you possibly go through during high school that is so challenging? You don’t understand anything about life at that point! — I can tell you that I had some emotional troubles that remain, up until today 5+ years after, some of the most challenging times in my life.
This turned me into a colder, more analytical person that would value others based on anything but their good personality. At the same time I struggled with emotional challenges at school, I was facing difficulties with my family, and was hiding most of my feelings from everyone.
After a year or so, however, most of my problems were dissipating and the aura around me started getting lighter. My source of emotional pain was gone from my life, my difficulties with my family were mostly gone, and I started having a shift in my life. Things got much better, and continuing forward I continue to change my perspective and live a happy life.
The single, most powerful lesson I learned throughout all this was to be grateful. The more grateful I am for all the things I have in my life, the better things that flow into my life. As I smiled and gave thanks for the wonderful friends I had, my happiness was contagious and infected those around me. Soon my family and friends were happier, more accepting of me, and our relationship grew stronger.
This same gratitude has also allow me to appreciate all the things that I used to ignore in my life. Now that I was not busy complaining about what I didn’t want or didn’t have, I opened my eyes in amazement and discovered even more things to be grateful about. This attitude also allowed me to meet people I would otherwise have probably ignored in my life, and these people have allowed me to grow as a person and to achieve more of the things that I am grateful about now.
It’s a cycle, the more gratitude I had in my heart, and the more things I was genuinely grateful about, the more things that flowed into my life that allowed me to brighten up and be happy. I can truthfully say that I am very happy with my life. I know there is still a lot more for me to learn, but this is a lesson I wholeheartedly embrace and live in my daily life.
Thank you for reading! The fact that some of you took your time to read this is another thing I’m now grateful for!
If you would like to, please leave a comment sharing any personal thoughts, experiences, or ideas you may have. You can also leave a comment if you think there is more to it, or if you disagree with something I said.
-Omar
Image Attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/pensiero/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
Killing habits that keep us from succeeding.
August 11th, 2009 § 3 Comments
It is often easy to get inspired and excited about something new in our lives, but how long do we stay motivated? Most people I have met are only happy and excited for as long as a novelty lasts, or until the first big challenge arrives. However, if you aim to be successful in any personal goal, the initial inspiration and emotions need to be present day and night, for it will carry us through difficulties. When we face difficulties, when we receive bad news, it’s even more important to stay focused on our goal and be positive. We can’t simply give up and move on, it doesn’t work that way.
For winners, losing inspires them. For losers, losing defeats them.
- Robert T. Kiyosaki “Rich Dad, Poor Dad“
We are living in a society in which most people are encouraged to find an excuse and give up, rather than take charge of our problems and tackle them. Beneath this behavior of excuses is the belief that you won’t achieve your goal, so you might as well find an excuse and that way avoid facing defeat. How many of us have heard a couple of our friends complain about their weight problems, but then go on and say that they just have to accept their body the way it is. Apparently they got the ‘bad genes’ from their parents and the ‘bad metabolism’ so they just have to accept their fate.
This approach, full of excuses, will keep you from achieving your goals. If we do not pay attention to this problem, and ‘let it slide’, we will soon find this same attitude poisoning other areas of our life and becoming a habit. This habit, like a virus, prevents us from living the life of our dreams, as cliché as that sounds. It is important, then, to recognize when we are falling into this trap so we can stop it immediately. Here are ways to assess this problem.
- Write down your goals - small and big.
- Prioritize – Which of your goals are more important and/or urgent to you?
- Establish a timeline - set a deadline for your goal. Include many short-term goals along the way!
- Follow the timeline – reward yourself every time you achieve one of your short-term goals.
As soon as you catch yourself not following the timeline, you should answer a few questions:
- Am I close from achieving my goal?
- What is keeping me from achieving my goal?
- Was the timeline realistic? Should I reassess it?
- Have I done everything in my power to achieve it? What can I do differently?
- What have I done that is preventing me (or has delayed me) from achieving my goal? Has it been really worth it?
It is important to really take the time to reflect on the things that are keeping us from achieving our small, short-term goals. Awareness of what is stopping you from achieving small goals will be the foundation to changing habits that are most likely affecting larger areas of your life without you noticing it. It all boils down to self-control in the end, and taking the time to study yourself is the best tool you have to achieve this; it is also one of the most rewarding activities you can do!
Share your thoughts – What techniques do you use to not fall in a vicious cycle, and instead keep working toward your goals? What are common excuses you have found that should be rethought and avoided?
If you found this post useful and things others might enjoy it, I would appreciate it if you submit it to StumbleUpon, Digg, Retweet it, or share it in any way! ~
Image attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/marcoie/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
The Transiency of Life — Why you should enjoy your life, now!
August 9th, 2009 § 4 Comments
As I walked my way to the fireworks show at Osaka, Japan yesterday, I was impressed by the amount of people congregating to see the show. I was with my friends over an hour before the fireworks were scheduled to start, and even then it was very crowded. I though about just going to my room and resting instead of dealing with massive amounts of people, but instead I ignored how tired I was and spent the night with my friends.
The fireworks started, and they were beautiful. I have seen fireworks many times before, but for some reason this time it just felt very special. I was struck by the beauty of each one of them, and how they would soon dissipate, just to be replaced by a different one, and yet another one. Seeing how the fireworks would change so much one after the other, yet no matter what they would soon dissipate, made me think about life and how beautiful and transient it is.
Each day comes with new opportunities, opportunities for learning, enjoyment, and growth, etc. It is up to us to appreciate the beauty of each day and make the most out of it. Just like I chose to stay to see the fireworks despite having to deal with massive amounts of people when leaving the show, it is up to us to decide on a daily basis if we are going to enjoy our day and make the most out of it, or choose the ‘safe’ alternative of doing the same thing as the day before all over again.
It is hard to accept this, but what happens to us is a direct effect of what we do. Focus on improving your life, take on new risks and challenges for self-development, and soon you will see yourself leading a more rewarding life. Just like the fireworks, our life is transient, and so are the opportunities presented. Only when we decide to stop ‘resting’ and instead open our eyes will we be able to get out of the vicious cycle of repetition and truly appreciate the beauty that has been there all along.
Just like the fireworks show, our life will end. Maybe we have another 80 years to live, but we could just as well be gone from this Earth within the next hour. That is the reason we have to open our eyes and start living our lives NOW. Every hour we waste pondering on the issues of the past, or the things that we can achieve in the future, is an hour we stop living and enjoying the PRESENT. And in the end, what do we have other than the present?
If you are thinking about the past, don’t let it stop you from living the present.
If you don’t enjoy your present thinking about a better tomorrow, what makes you think the future will be so much better than the present?
Tomorrow the sun will rise, just as it did today, and despite all you achieve or fail to achieve, the day will go by and at the end night will come. When night comes, take out your pen and a piece of paper and write down the things about that day you enjoyed and the things you are grateful about. Think about what you want to achieve the next day, and what you will do to enjoy the day. Repeat this exercise every day, or at least once a week. When you find yourself not knowing what you enjoyed from your day, you might need to reassess the path you are taking and your outlook in life.
EDIT: Just after posting this I read the following:
“The death rate for human beings hovers right around 100 percent, and is expected to remain there for … well, forever. Consider this: if the average life span is 77 years, then that means we only have 77 summers … 77 winters … 77 Christmas mornings … 77 New Years, and that’s it. The Marriage Masters know this all too well. It’s easy to get caught in the day-to-day craziness of life and, in the process, take our spouses for granted. A widow named Betty, married 54 years, says, “Now that he’s gone I wish I hadn’t had so many headaches.”” (Source)
Life is short, enjoy it. :)
Share your thoughts – What are you happy about, right now? What are you grateful about? What did you do or will you do today to enjoy the moment and remind you that all you have is the present?
If you found this post useful and things others might enjoy it, I would appreciate it if you submit it to StumbleUpon, Digg, Retweet it, or share it in any way! ~
Apologize & Thank Profusely – Lesson I've learned in Japan
August 6th, 2009 § 2 Comments
In the book, “How to Win Friends & Influence People“, Dale Carnegie teaches a few concepts that we should keep in mind in order to have more fulfilling relationships. I loved reading this book because it spells out all the things we already know that people don’t like, but it also goes a step further to tell us exactly how to behave if we want to improve our relationships. If you read “The Snowball” about Warren Buffett you might have heard about the book as one of the most influential books in Buffett’s life as a young adult.
I learned two things from this book that I have seen the Japanese do naturally. It seems to me that in Japan it’s just part of their culture. These are:
- Quickly apologize for anything that has gone wrong, even if they were not directly involved.
- Thank profusely for anything good you receive, no matter how small.
The Japanese have a word, “sumimasen”, that means “thank you” and “I’m sorry” simultaneously! As one of the safest countries in the world, there is definitely something for us to learn from the Japanese behavior.
Thanking someone genuinely has a more lasting effect than most people would imagine. Try it out yourself, as you walk through your day make it a point to thank anyone you can find a reason to thank for. While thanking that person, make smile genuinely and really enjoy the process. Being grateful, and expressing it out loud, has great rewards you may now have realize at first!
Also, always apologize even when in doubt! I have never seen someone angry because they received an apology from someone they didn’t expect one. On the other hand, many people don’t think something was ‘bad enough’ to require an apology, while the other person is burning up inside withholding a lot of anger against you. If you apologize genuinely, chances are you will save a few key friendships/relationships throughout the years. Definitely worth a try.
Try it for a few days/weeks, see what you find out! Have you been doing this already? Have an opinion? Share what you think!
If you found this post useful and things others might enjoy it, I would appreciate it if you submit it to StumbleUpon, Digg, Retweet it, or share it in any way! ~
Avoiding unnecessary grudges – Activate your full brainpower to cool down.
August 5th, 2009 § 9 Comments
The German army won’t let a soldier tile a complaint and, make a criticism immediately after a thing has happened. He has to sleep on his grudge first and cool off. If he files his complaint immediately, he is punished. By the eternals, there ought to be a law like that in civil life too – a law for whining parents and nagging wives and scolding employers and the whole obnoxious parade of fault finders.
written by Dale Carnegie in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People
Now here is one piece of advice you may have heard before. In fact, you probably gave the same advice to dozens of friends as well, but still, when a discussion arises you find yourself in the heat of an argument before having had a chance to cool down your thoughts and be reasonable about the situation. When we disagree with someone else’s opinion, we want our point of view to recognized and often we want everyone to accept that we have the most reasonable point of view. You defend your argument with passion, and start getting roiled up when you find resistance. Typically at the end of the discussion one person finally gives up the argument and the other gets the bragging rights of having won the argument. An hour later everything goes back to normal and all you both got out of the argument was hurt feelings and a not-so-healthy relationship. Was it worth it?
If you, on the other hand, take the time to cool off after the initial emotional rush you are most like able to share your point of view without the need to deny the other person’s argument. It is easier in this state to learn from each other, and by this cooperative discussion you can forge new friendships instead of breaking current ones.
This is a difficult lesson to put in practice. Ideally, we want to be able to not have an emotionally charged take on an issue by the time we discuss it with someone else. When our emotions are present, the amygdala reacts without really giving you enough time and space to think clearly.
How can we avoid this innate reaction?
- Take time to cool off and wait until we have total control over your thoughts.
- If you need a quick way to cool off, challenge your brain to solve problems that require you to use your brain! This will force you to activate your entire brain and take power off the amygdala, which is reacting emotionally. Try it! Next time you’re focused on an emotional issue, take out that math or chem book and solve a problem, that’s doubly productive!
- Take a nap or a full night’s sleep before thinking about the issue again. Don’t stay up thinking about it. If you feel you can’t help it, occupy your thoughts by repeating a mantra or a phrase such as “I’m sleepy”. If you are in bed telling yourself over and over that you are sleepy, chances are you’ll fall asleep. If you focus on your problems, however, you will probably stay awake for many hours.
Next time you start feeling emotions while discussing a topic ask yourself, is it time to take a break and wait until the emotions dissipate? It’s an exercise of self-control to actually stop your impulses.
Agree? Disagree? Please leave a comment and let everyone know what you think! If possible, comment about your experiences, it definitely helps to hear from other people. Thanks for reading!
Image Attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fofurasfelinas/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
