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Common reward systems, and society in general, teach us to admire results, not necessarily habits and behavior.  Although this works fairly OK sometimes, pushing everyone to give more and more good results, there is a huge problem behind this system — excellent results can hide a story of many bad decisions and behaviors.

Think about a farm manager that asks his employees to deliver him at the end of the month a certain amount of profit.  He will reward them only if they reach that goal.  The farmers and sales staff decide to just go ahead and reach the goal, and in the process they compromise the quality of the product they are marketing and also the sustainability of the farms.  In their eagerness to achieve the goal, the farmers harvest all they can, even when some of the product is still not ripe or ready for selling, and the marketing staff overworks distributers.  At the end of the month they reach the target revenue, but do so by compromising the revenue for the months to come and also the quality of life of many employees.  Does that sound right?  Not to me.

This is why it is important that we realize that result-based rewards have their place and time, but they are only good if they reward positive behavior.  A scientist that discovers the cure for a letal disease should be rewarded only if the process by which he/she discovered this cure was not harmful or immoral.  This way we are promoting work habits that lead to good results through good methods.

Apply this in your house!  Don’t obsess over your child getting straight A’s in school, but rather teach your child to enjoy learning and how to take pride on his work.  An A+ at school may hide cheating or questionable persuasion, but taking pride in our finished work is something that will drive your child to work more efficiently and produce better work if well taught.

Always recognize small changes in behavior, because these will be key for long term success.

The art of giving rewards lies on picking the right habit to reward, and then coming up with a system that will allow us to do so.  Be creative, learn from other programs, and find a way to do so.  This will make us much better influencers when we use rewards.  At the end of the day, though, try not to reward excessively since it may make it lose value, but do recognize every improvement one way or another.  People need the encouragement of knowing that their progress is being appreciated. :)

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I have one really important tip about unsolicited advice, don’t give it.  Unless you are in a company setting and are managing someone else, or have some sort of responsibility over someone (parent, tutor, teacher), there is no reason why you should be giving any sort of unsolicited advice.

To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.
- John Gray

How many times have you seen someone brighten up and feel better after they receive advice they didn’t think they needed in the first place?  The answer might not be never, but quite closely.  Now think about the number of times you have seen someone get upset because of such ‘helpful advice’ they didn’t want to hear.  I’m sure the number is far greater.

The reason unsolicited advice is so unpopular is because the person it’s directed to is usually not open to receive it, or they’d be asking for it.  In order for your words of wisdom to sink in so someone can learn from them, that person has to be receptive and in the right mood to receive them.  Most parents have learned this the hard way, after realizing that their kids won’t listen even after being punished unless they are in a mindset that allows them to.  When people are taken aback by your criticism, they are most likely going to be thinking “What the heck is this person talking about?  Why are you saying such things?  Do you think you are better than me?” among other things.

So, if you have some advice to give, you need to make sure the other person is open to receive it.  In order to do this there are a few things you should keep in mind.  Before you do so, ask yourself just once again, “why am I so interested in giving this unsolicited advice, and can it be avoided without major problems?”

Tips for Giving Unsolicited Advice [When Absolutely Necessary]

1) If you’re going to criticize, make sure you do so gently, in a way that the other person can save themselves.  You don’t want them to be cornered and feel suffocated, let them feel good about themselves.

2) Don’t just jump in and give your opinion, let the other person talk about the topic and fully listen to them.  One of the main reasons people don’t listen to someone’s advice is because they don’t feel they have been heard and understood before getting the criticism.  If you don’t stop and listen openly & patiently, don’t give advice.

3) Ask questions that put the other person in an agreeable tone, saying “yes yes.” Master influencers know that someone who has been agreeing with you during a conversation, no matter if it’s in topics unrelated to the issue at hand, will find it easier to agree with you when you switch topics to your subject of interest during the conversation.

4) Try to make the person think that the final idea the arrive at is their idea, even if you lead them there.  For example, you can ask leading questions to a friend that make him/her realize they need to be more prompt to meetings, such as “I have been arriving 5 minutes to some of my meetings, and I’m planning to do something to fix that, do you have any tips?”  to which they may respond “you know, I’ve been arriving 10 minutes late to my appointments, I should do something too!”  Eventually you may suggest that you both set alarms or use a daily agenda, but finally allow the other person to have the satisfaction to think that they decided all by themselves to use that agenda.

5)  Think about the person and personalize the feedback.  The same exact words can have devastating results in one person, but great results when told to another.  Make sure you are delivering your message in the way that will make the best impact in this individual.  Choose the appropriate time and setting, and method, to deliver your feedback.  This is probably the hardest step of all.  No matter what you do, don’t give this feedback when you are in an emotional state, keep your head cool.

These simple tips about unsolicited advice may make it better if you really have to give the feedback, but don’t overuse them.  The best way to get the most out of a conflict, is to avoid it altogether, so use that as your rule of thumb.  If conflict is necessary to fix someone’s habits that are affecting others, then give feedback in a delicate, considering manner that will help the person be willing to change.  At the end of the day, no one changes because YOU want them to change, they change because THEY want to change.  Give them a reason to want to change, and no reason for them not to want to change.